Because sometimes taking the clock off the wall is just too much work

Taken at the classiest of classy laundromats.

San Francisco houseless get creative

Why yes, that's two mice on top of a cat sitting upon a dog.

I like my life. A lot.

I'm a teacher for little ones with disabilities. I take pride in the fact that my preschoolers are ahead of many of the general education kindergarteners at my school. Today one of my students, Nala, did me proud. She finally mastered how to write all the letters in her name. She took that bright pink sidewalk chalk to the black top and this is what she wrote:

ANAL

Ok...so it looks like we have to work on the order of those letters.

Yeah...or maybe not...

Some Thoughts

I don’t think sushi restaurants should be allowed to have aquariums as decoration.

I don’t like the winter because it gets late so early.

I was gum on the bottom of a shoe for Halloween. It was better than your costume. For sure.

And yes, after an entire month that's what I got. Now aren't you happy I left?

Hi

I've been MIA. Not exactly sure why.

I think maybe it was the man in the cape. I've been questioning my self worth ever since.

Or maybe I've just been enjoying the "non-virtual" world too much.

But if I had to bet I'd blame in on the man in the cape. Definitely the man in the cape.

True Life: I Have Chronic Hiccups

It all started when I was a junior in high school. I don’t think I realized it at first. I mean hiccuping is a common enough occurrence to not think much of it. But quickly I (and the people around me) began to realize I had an issue.

They aren’t the hiccups as you normally think of them. They are isolated hiccups padded by a heavy dose of time in between. Whereas your hiccups are like sprinters, fast and confined to a short period of time, mine are like a never-ending marathon speed walkers, slower but ungodly steady.

And most likely wearing sweatbands and ankle weights. Because that's just what they do.

A few years ago I asked my doctor about them just to make sure it wasn’t some sign of quickly approaching death. She said as long as they weren’t effecting my quality of life to not worry about it. And honestly, at the time they weren’t. They were probably increasing it. For some reason people think an involuntary spasmodic contraction of the muscle at the base of the lungs (diaphragm) followed by the rapid closure of the vocal cords is funny. And who am I to take away something that makes people giggle?

But that was then and this is now.

Ladies and gentleman, my hiccups are worsening. My diaphragm and vocal chords need to get their shit together. Real fast.

I’ve started taking data. I have hiccupped 26 times so far today. Enough to annoy but yet not enough to count as an ab workout.

I’m tired of hiccupping in public, people laughing and then in 20 seconds looking expectedly at me. I don’t have the normal hiccups, so move along. Give me like 20 more minutes and I’ll probably give you another one. But no guarantees. I’m not a seal.

I’m tired of my grandma telling her friends about her freaky hiccupping granddaughter.

I’m tired of answering questions about them.

But I think now I’m just scared they are never going to go away. I’ll be hiccupping tomorrow. I’ll be hiccuping a year from now. 3 years from now. 37 years from now.

I can see it now.

I’ll be hiccuping while having sex.

I’m com ‘hic’ ing.

I’ll be hiccuping while explaining to someone that my hiccups don’t really impact my life.

No, I mean they don’t ever have a negative effect on my social ‘hic’ life…

I’ll be hiccuping at my wedding.

I ‘hic’ do.

Maybe I’m just not the crazy risk taker I used to be. Maybe I’m a boring adult now. Maybe I'm selfish and don't care about making other people laugh. Call it whatever you want I can’t take these chances any longer. My quality of life is at stake.

What A Crazy World It Is

Why do raisins get the special privilege of a name not tied to their origin?

No other dried fruit gets a whole new name. Ok, prunes do. But people only eat prunes to shit not for actual enjoyment purposes. All other fruits are just dried whatevers. Dried apricots, dried apples, dried bananas. Ok, maybe they are banana chips...but that makes way more sense than going from dried grapes to raisins.

Maybe there are a lot of holes in this argument of mine.

But I still want to make it.

I don't like raisins all that much, unless they're in cookies or oatmeal so I'm going to demote them from their high status and just start calling them dried grapes.

I think that's fair.

(Insert Title Here)

Some girl had this as her gchat away message today:

love my job... 3 days of work this week!

Doesn't that mean she doesn't like her job? I mean if she truly LOVED her job she would want to do it every day, no?

Miserable in Hotlanta

I'm miserably sick and in the process of flying from Ohio back to San Francisco.

I tossed my cookies on my last flight. Twice. Actually I take that back. I think the first time I tossed some applesauce and the second time I tossed my small intestine. Small intestines? Fuck 'em, who needs 'em anyways?

I must say, puking on an airplane is nothing short of thrilling. The loud sucking noise just adds to the drama of puking. I gave it fist pump.

Ok, ok it was a mental fist pump. Whatever. Real fist pumps take too much energy at the moment. It's the thought that counts.

And then I went back to my seat, cried and hoped that my small intestine landed on a fat kid.

Activity Inspiring Pants

I'm in Ohio to see my family. My brother, grandma and I were shopping this evening. We ended up going to Value City because my brother is oddly proportioned and they always have deformed clothes there. They also have some super sweet styles. And more honestly? There ain't jackshit to do in Youngstown, Ohio.

I gave all the effort I had in my body to try to get my brother to buy the shirt that had the word "graffiti" graffitied all over it.

He refused causing me to contemplate our BFF status.

My brother and I were trying to figure out the appropriate times to wear all of this unique clothing. Let me tell you, deciding the appropriate time to wear yellow, orange and brown camouflage thumbprint cellphone-pocket-having shants paired with a flannel shirt truly tests your creative brain cells.

We came across some odd lumberjack Ralph Lauren pants.

Brother: These are for hunting foxes.
Me: Nah, hunting for wild turkeys.
Grandma: No way! You could only wear these hunting for deer. Two-legged deer.

The odd part? I've never heard a more true statement.