As mentioned, I am a big fan of planning – especially for trips.  This process  allows me to extend the fun of a trip for months prior to departing, and I enjoy the excitement  it brings me.

While preparing for our trip to meet in New York City, a large focus for me was making sure that Lo had fun – he was spending a great deal of money to do this, and he’d never been to the United States before.  He didn’t know anyone besides me there.  It was incredibly important to me that he have a fabulous time.

Try as I might, however, I couldn’t seem to get him to commit to any of the things I thought he might want to do.  It's not that he wasn’t agreeable; on the contrary, he was overly agreeable.  No matter what I suggested, I received the same response, over, and over, and over again:

“Whatever you like darling.  I’m on standby mode – whatever you like!”

It was not until we arrived in New York that I began to grasp the full weight and power of Lo’s “Standby Mode”.

All decisions would be made by me.  It wasn't that he didn’t have opinions, or that he couldn’t have made a choice; it came down to the simple fact that he knew that this would drive me insane, and Lo is someone that loves to play and tease.  Standby Mode, he had decided, would become our new game, and it was a game that amused him to no end.

With a twinkle in his eye, he took it to the next level by refusing to order his own food.  No matter where we were, or how many of my friends we were with, it went something like this:

Waiter – “And for you sir?”

Lo (in his most helpless voice) – “Ohhhhh I don’t know – SHE knows.  I don’t know, I’m on standby mode, I don’t know….”

At this point, all faces at the table would turn to me with great amusement; with the exception of the waiter, who clearly thought Lo was the most ridiculous man on the planet, and Lo himself, who was determined to keep his mask of helplessness pasted to his face.  He was unable, however, to hide the glee in his eyes, as he looked at me as if to say, “Your Move”.

The waiter directed his gaze to me, eyebrows raised, waiting for my determination of what food another capable adult should be putting in their mouth.   Hiding whatever traces of amusement I could from my face, I began my part of our dance.

Amanda – “Ummm….  He’ll have a cheeseburger?” I said in my most unsure, reluctant voice.

Waiter – “And how would he like that cooked?”

Amanda – “Ahhhh… medium?” 

The chuckles from others around the table began to grow more audible.

Waiter – “And what kind of cheese would he like on that?”

Amanda (after a pause, now appearing to have a headache from the entire experience) – “American??”

With this, the waiter would depart, my friends would laugh, and Lo would just lean back in his chair, with a pleased look on his face.

I have made it quite clear to him that turnabout is fair play.

When I arrive in Italy, I will be on standby mode.  He will determine what we do, when we do it, and yes, dear friends, what I will eat and drink.  I’m curious to see what his choices are.  There are some things that have already been established – such as my deep and abiding love of Prosecco, the Italian version of champagne.  Prior to leaving, I’ll work into our conversation my current fascination with risotto, and my timeless love affair with cheese plates.  Other than that, I won’t say a word.

There is a balance to find here however; because ultimately, we are all responsible for our own fun, our own mood, and our own happiness.  That means, while we play our game, it’s still up to me to give myself a great holiday in Italy. 

Part of the reason I’m embracing the standby mode is that I’ll be on standby mode whether I like it or not – this trip will be how I learn more clearly how Lo does and does not feel.  So why not make it a game, and just accept the fact now that I have less control over some of the outcomes of this trip than I normally would?  I feel it’s a good exercise for me - the slight control freak - to go through.

On the other side of this dichotomy, I need to have my own goals for this journey; such as:

• Practice Italian
• Time visiting with my other friends
• Drink a glass of prosecco every evening.
• Take at least 3 “frame worthy” pictures.
• Read at least one fabulous book.
• Enjoy the flirting of Italian men.
• Take at least one walk in the rain (by myself).
• Enjoy great Italian coffee.
• Sit in an empty church, and listen to the quiet you find there.
• The luxury of one afternoon nap.

These things belong to me - and me alone.  They are some of the small interests and desires that make me a unique and interesting person.  They are the things that allow me to recognize myself.  I believe that we need honor our hearts’ small requests, such as the ones listed above.   

Lo is not my trip.

Italy is my trip. 

Italy is my journey, my joy, my current adventure and a goal unto itself.  To pin the hopes, responsibilities, and success of a trip on any other person causes damage to both yourself and the individual in question.  No one can provide these things to another.

With this in mind, I look forward to finding out (when the time comes) where I will be on a given Tuesday afternoon, or what dinner will consist of the following Friday, or where New Years Eve will find me. I can state with absolute certainty, however, that the trip will hold a solitary walk, some photography, great coffee, prosecco, a church, a fabulous book, old friends, and the flirting of Italian men. 

When it comes to my individual happiness, I will no longer be on standby mode.

For anyone.