(Editor's Note: Following the writing of this post, I've made an appointment to begin therapy again and have also joined a message board featuring others like me dealing with the same issues.)

                                                             * * *

Since summer began, I haven't been able to shake this case of the 'blah's' that seem to have settled over me.

I don't know what's up, but it's getting to the point now where I wonder if I'm legitimately losing my mind.

Seriously.

This
is not a topic that is easy for me to talk about, as I feel as though
I'm totally alone in these feelings, but, I'm hoping that by putting it
out there, it may help bring an end to this melancholy feeling I've had
for the past month.

So I wrote before about how I think I have
an anxiety disorder, and I'm really, truly beginning to wonder if I do.
Not to mention ridiculous hypochondria. Because, despite the doctor's
appointment, I can't seem to rid myself of this funk.

I've been
taking Claritin for the past week or so (wasn't even sure if I needed
to take one daily, though I have been) and for the first couple days,
it seemed to really help. The fog lifted and I felt, for the first time
since before school let out, normal. Like me. I wanted to shout from
the heavens I was so happy.

But yesterday! Oh, yesterday I
really felt like I was going to die. I took a Claritin shortly after
waking up, to no avail. I had ridiculous post-nasal drip to which no
amount of throat clearing or coughing could clear. My mom actually
asked me on the ride home from the Cape if I'd noticed these allergies
or such in past years, as it was the first time she'd heard me complain
about them like this. To which I replied, "If I had, don't you think you would've known about it?"

I've
always, always been a nervous, anxious, worrying person, given my past
medical issues and lately, I've begun to question whether said habits
are now manifesting themselves into an anxiety disorder. I've fallen
asleep shortly after midnight most nights since break began - and
haven't woken up too much - yet don't really feel rested throughout the
day. Yesterday, I was conked out on the couch, tired to the point that
I had to stop reading, shortly after 1 p.m.

I'd gotten up around 9:30 a.m.

My
mom told me awhile back that my Nana had dealt with some anxiety/mental
health issues in her younger years, and I have wondered, since hearing
this, if I could be following in her footsteps.

Case in point: Whilst struggling with the aforementioned ridiculous nasal issues, I was convinced I had (have) throat cancer.

Also,
every time I move my right arm (whether up and down, in circles, what
have you), it cracks or pops. I think I messed up my shoulder somehow
at the gym, and am now worried that it could cause problems elsewhere,
despite the fact that it doesn't hurt or cause any pain. If I didn't
injure it in any way, why is it making that popping noise?

In
the past few weeks, I've also worried (hello, major hypochondriac)
about several different types of cancers and walked around with a
general anxious feeling during 99.9% of my day. I don't know how to
stop it or what's causing it, but I think it's now bringing about the
tiredness, lack of energy/motivation, stiffness in my shoulders, and,
perhaps, the ridiculous nasal issues.

I hate feeling this way
and have begun looking for a therapist in my area so I can get to the
root of what's bringing it on, though said search is proving more
difficult than I'd expected. My summer is half over and I haven't even
been enjoying it because I've felt trapped by these fears, worries, and
anxieties.

I think I mentioned in that previous post that I felt
as though I'd lost weight. I still feel that way, despite the scale
telling me (a few times a day) that I come in at a (healthy for 5'1")
weight of 119-121. My mom has seen me in my bikini on several occasions
during this time, has applied sun screen to my back, and made no
comments to support this worry. I know that she (or my dad, who has
also seen me in my swimsuit) would be the first to voice a concern if
she felt one existed.

So here I am, left feeling like I'm the
only one who has ever had these feelings. Who has ever battled with
that little voice in their head who refuses to shut up, no matter how
many deep breaths I take, no matter how much I try to relax. Would
medication like Xanax help? I don't know. My dad has taken it on
occasion in the past and I think it helped him. Perhaps I need an
anti-depressant? I can't even believe I'm wondering/worrying about
these things, as I'd never thought of myself as anything but happy,
optimistic, and cheerful.

I don't know where that person went, but I sure hope she comes back soon.

Because the one that's taken over her spot?

She's really starting to piss me off.